Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
