i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
