Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
