and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
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