i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
