also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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