I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
