Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
