did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
