Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
