so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
