the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
