my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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