if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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