see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
