I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
