she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
zippers are such a cool invention
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
