babies were throwing up all over the place
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
