God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize