i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
