I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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