if you like me you must not know who I am
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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