We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize