Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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