Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
