If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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