Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
