no, he came in my armpit
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
