OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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