I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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