in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize