do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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