They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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