i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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