I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
