booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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