I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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