South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
