Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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