This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How external is "for external use only"?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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