If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
