U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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