i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
should my penis look like a turkey
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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