Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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