i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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