And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize