he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
