what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
