Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
