speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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