My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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