I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
