Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
