you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
