Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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