I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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