AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
