hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
