why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize