I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
